The Long Hard Road Out of Hell|
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|Wednesday, February 14th, 2007|
|I am as high as a fucking kite........
on oxytocin. You know, the "love/cuddle" hormone. Cassy could see it all over my face this morning at breakfast, she noticed the way my face lighted up when I was talking about Rich. Ahhh there is his name *giggles*! It really is horrible. I'm not even going out with him yet! I am so twitterpated with this boy already, I haven't felt like this since I was with Paul. Everyone in between I wouldn't give two shits about. It figures though, he is a leo and I am a gemini, i knew from the start that we would probably click right away. We also have a very intense sexual connection, it's the first time in a loooooong time that I felt like I was melting in someone's arms while kissing him. I'm seeing him again today, thats three days in a row. I think there is something wrong with me, I actually WANT to see a boy........
the whole world is gone topsy-turvey!!! I know I have to be careful though and not get too into him, I don't want another heart-break, I need to keep my wall up! Current Mood: giddy
|Wednesday, February 7th, 2007|
Court is settled, things are somewhat peaceful in the family again. Struggling with school. Lots to do. Blah. Stopped doing the coke for good, I've been having too many scares. I'm not gunna lie, I didn't want to stop, but the highs aren't worth going through the downs anymore. I think I am going to stick to natural drugs. If its made in somebody's basement, then I don't want to be putting it in my body.
Still working at taco hell unfortunatley, I've been keeping an eye open for a better job, something I could live off of.
I have a boyfriend, though it doesn't really seem like it. I'm not too into him and I never see him, yet I am putting off breaking up with him for reasons I do not know.
that is all.
peace. Current Mood: indescribable
|Friday, October 27th, 2006|
yea so i woke up to my ex frank calling me. i havent talked to him in years. the first thing he says to me 'so you were arrested?' and im all like yea how the fuk do you know?
'oh it was in the paper' my respone is as follows: what!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?!!!!
oh yea. so i freaked out. and i love you diana for coming to comfort me. it helped alot. too bad it didnt last.
my brother told me after school today that she read it. she didnt confront me right away, she told me not to go anywhere till she went and got dylan. so i just sat on my bed and waited for what was coming. first time in over 6 months that ive full out cried. she got home and waited for my dad. she had my dad read the paper. i told them the story. i cried alot. they didnt yell though, theyre gunna help me. theyre gunna get me a lawyer. we just went over the game plan. but they told me just cuz they didnt yell at me doesnt mean im in the clear. which could only mean that there is an impending punishment that they need to discuss.
i feel so alone........and scared..... Current Mood: depressed
|Friday, October 13th, 2006|
It's finally happened. I have reached my breaking point. Say goodbye to care-free fun loving Jessie, now everyday I wake up in worry, I think about what happened and what I am going to do about it. It is constantly shadowing me, even if I am out trying to have fun it is still stuck in the back of my mind. Im lost. Im scared. There is nobody that can help me but me. Who else has been in my situation? All I know is that I am going to have to face the consequences of my actions sooner or later, and if I just try to brush it off now, December 1st will sneak up on me faster than the blink of an eye. I can't believe that I was stupid enough to let it happen again. I don't even want to smoke weed anymore. Why is it that something horrible has to happen in order for me to realize how much of an idiot I was being. I've let my whole life drift away from me. I miss everyone, all of my old friends. I miss who I used to be. I can't just go back to normal, it's too late. It's too late for 'Im sorry's, I don't expect things to go back to normal. I know I fucked up. Whatever happens on December 1st can affect the rest of my life. I can only cross my fingers and hope like hell that I will walk away with a fine. I can't deal with going to jail. I could pretty much kiss school and my job goodbye. I can kiss my house and car goodbye too.
People tell me not to worry, but I can't help it. Even if it is not likley that I do go to jail, there is always that possiblity. I've looked it up. According to Illinois state law, possesion of less than 2.5 grams of cannabis can get me up to a $1500 fine and/or 30 days in jail. I fucked up big time, and I can only continue sitting here, contemplating my minimal options. I can only hope that when I walk into that courthouse on December 1st, I will walk back out, uncuffed.
Just when I feel like taking control of my life again, trying to find direction, I make one little mistake and now I feel as if I have nothing left to live for...... Current Mood: scared
|Tuesday, September 26th, 2006|
Well, I have to give a big congratu-fucking-lations to Channing who managed to fuck all three of my crushes within a 72 hour period. Jessica just told me last night. I knew about her and Rich when I just happened to show up to her house as she was in the middle of fucking him, and I kept telling myself that they were just drunk, and it didn't mean shit. But it happened again, and again. and the night before that is when she fucked Jon, and the night before that is when she fucked Kyle. Serioulsy, that girl can get around. Like I don't have enough shit to deal with already. Whatever though, it's life. Peace. Current Mood: nauseated
|Tuesday, September 19th, 2006|
|i know its been awhile but.....
what a week. well last monday frost put himself into the psych ward, i guess just because he can skip his court date for last thrusday. the one he had for stumbling around drunk and jumping up and down on some lady's car. ha. i love frost. i visited him at the psych ward with jessica matt and laura. they had to hold our lighters and cigss so we couldnt sneak him anything. and hes hoping that psych ward is a good enough excuse to not go to court.
as for me, ive got shit going on. work. school. stressing about my grades. not doing so hot with my com 101 class. *sigh* smoking. toking. living. breathing. and thinking. about someone who has been on my mind alot. stupid boys <3
|Wednesday, June 21st, 2006|
I wish I was a machine concealed in a human exterior. Then my android form would be incapable of processing emotions. How nice would it be to lack feelings, to be able to function without resting, to be able to control sexual urges. It would please me greatly to be superior to this disgusting animal. Fucking homo-sapiens. Or perhaps it is just Americans in general. Obviously in America there has been such a drastic rise in obesity that it has become an epidemic. This alone is just absolutley baffeling to me. Studies also show that the American population as a whole is becoming less intelligent as well. Maybe if I just packed up and left for Europe I could find some humans to match my intelligence. Some humans I wouldn't find repulsive.
But either way I wish I wasn't so......lonley.......I wish I had someone to talk to and share thoughts with. And if I was a machine I wouldn't have that impulsive need to confide in other humans. And I would't be feeling this extreme jealousy right now. That fucking bitch. I truly am disgusting in appearance. Current Mood: sore
|Thursday, June 15th, 2006|
Life is fantastic as of right now. <33333
Okay I love you all bye!
|Thursday, June 8th, 2006|
I'm so worried about Liz. So I guess it starts last night when Cassy and I drop her off after a night at the cemetary. I should have been paying more attention to the time so she wouldn't have been late. This whole mess could have been avoided if I wasn't so stupid. I shouldn't have answered my phone when the hometown police called me at one o clock that morning when they were looking for her. I shouldn't have told them that she might have went to Zennon's house after we dropped her off. I went to work today and she calls Taco Bell and I happen to answer. I could hear her crying on the other end. She said she wouldn't be in today and might not be able to work at all anymore. I asked her where she went last night. She told me that she tried getting in her house but everything was locked up so she had to spend the night in the backyard, but her mom didn't belive her. Her mom said that was her last chance to try and shape up. She's getting kicked out. She's being sent away. It's for shure this time. If we had just got her home a half an hour earlier she would have been able to go in her house without a problem, but now her mom thinks that she really did go out last night.
I cried with her on the phone as she told me that her mom was throwing all her stuff away as we spoke. But of course I had to hang up because I was at stupid work. Lemont asked me if I was alright, and I told him that I wasn't the one to worry about. He kept telling me that everything would work out and that her mom was just trying to scare her. But he doesn't know Liz's mom. He didn't have to watch Liz get hit by her mom repeatedly on the front lawn. He never see's all the arguments that happen inside the house. I did. I think that her mom really will send her away. I don't know what to do, I want to help her so bad............I feel like this is my fault..............
|Monday, June 5th, 2006|
I love going to see Kyle. I have so much fun with him, even when we just watch movies. I love cuddling with him. It's so weird, he sparks so many emotions in me, all the emotions that were missing in my relationship with Kerry. I know friends of mine discourage any possible relationship with Kyle, but he just makes me.......happy, to be blunt about it. I always have had a big crush on him, since the day I met him, two years ago in Ms. Perras english class. He makes me feel special and pretty.
Damn boys for making us so smitten and crazy like this. <3 <3 <3 Current Mood: peaceful
|Sunday, June 4th, 2006|
Well, I'm a free woman now. I'm 18. On my birthday me and Cassy went downtown where I bought my first bowl and we went to the Chicago Piercing Company. I got my lip pierced in the center and Cassy got her first tatoo. It's a skull and crossbones on the back of her neck. I love her, she made my b-day so awesome. I need to take pics to put here.
I'm also legally old enough to be a pedophile, but that's not gunna happen because Kerry and I are officially done. I broke up with him today. He didn't seem too surprised or upset. I haven't heard from him in over a week and he didn't even remember my birthday. Whatever though, I feel good.
And Cassy has succombed to peer pressure, she wants to go with me and Liz to see MSI twice in a row.
I'm going to see Kyle tonight ^_^ Current Mood: busy
|Monday, May 29th, 2006|
Got off work at ten tonight so I went to a bonfire over at Tim's house. It was just him, me, Krystal, Cassy, Ben, Lisa, Kyle, Tom and some other dude. It was fucking great.
Kyle came with a giant bunny mask on. So me and Cassy and the other dude went walking around with me while I wore it. My ex bf Paul lives a few blocks away from Tim's house so I wanted to go and tap on his window and scare him, but he wasn't home. grrr. I think his brother saw me as I was peeking in the window. I prolly freaked the shit out of him. But I did get a lot of honks and weird looks from people driving. It was so much fun. I wonder what they must have thought to see a bunny walking down 95th street at one in the morning. I have a picture of me and the other dude( i can't remember his name >.<)
After that me, Cassy, Krystal, Tom, and other dude went to 7-11 to get whipped cream and we (the girls only) had fun with it on Krystal's trampoline. Cassy made a whipped cream bra on Krystal's boobs and we licked it off. ^_^ I had to go home after that, its too bad cuz I wasn't able to go and take a shower with them and have fun with vrr vrr <<<<< Krystal named her vibrator. Ah well, I still had fun. Current Mood: horny
|Sunday, May 28th, 2006|
Yet another new manager at el Taco Hell. His name is Jake, and he's from Indiana. And he is very closed-minded.
Jake:"It's okay for women to be lesbians but gay guys is wrong because it's so unnatural."
Me:"Well what makes it so unnatural for men? Why isn't it unnatural for women?"
Jake:"Because it's just the way it is, it's not how God inteded it to be."
I'm not even going to try and debate with him because I can tell he is just so set in his ways that he could never see it in my point of view.
5 more days until my childhood is gone forever.
|Wednesday, May 24th, 2006|
Well I did it. I graduated. The ceramony was tonight. I always thought I would be jumping for joy at the thought of finally being done with high school, but I'm not. I'm just in a reflective mood. It's still weird coming to terms with the fact that I am almost grown up. I'll be 18 in 8 days, I'm now done with high school, and now I just have the rest of my life to live. Every adult always told me that high school would be the best time in my life, to enjoy it while I could becasue after that I would have to get serious. So that's it then? This is where my life pretty much ends then. I'm not ready to grow up, I don't think I ever want to. To me life is more than just a good paying job. Life should be fun! We only get to live once and I refuse to let my youth just go to waste. I don't care what kind of money I make, as long as I make enough to get by and to go out and have fun while I can.
I have money saved. I am going to make this a fun summer. In July Liz and me and whoever else is interested are going to drive down to St. Louis to see MSI the day before they play the Congress. We'll there and back to see both shows. This August I want to go on a trip to Cedar Point, Ohio. And I've really been thinking about how fun it would be to get a two bedroom apartment with me and Cassy and Diana.
Oh yes, and nobody thought I could do it but I made it 3 weeks without cocaine and I have no plans on doing it again, actually it's closer to 4 weeks. Motherfuckers don't believe in my will power. Current Mood: melancholy
|Tuesday, May 16th, 2006|
I got my MSI ticket!!! w00t!!
And today is my last full day of school!!1 w00t!!!
And gay Chris told me he's got a crush on Dan, so that just adds amusement to my life. ^_^
I also drew a charcoal drawing of Trent in my independent art class and Mr. Rawson put it on display in the mall, and I won first place for seniors!! I get a gift certificate, so I thought that was cool.
It's kind of sad though, no more high school, it's been one hell of a ride, but I will miss it....... Current Mood: accomplished
|Sunday, May 14th, 2006|
Thursday I got a chance to go up to Ashbarys and watch the improv for a few hours. I went with Kerry, Dave, and Cassy, and afterwords we chilled at Cassy's till about 2:30 in the morning.
Friday was cool, instead of prom I took Kerry to the Alley and boystown because he had never been there. I love meeting random gay guys at Dunkin Donuts. I bought some cute new panties at Taboo Tabou, fucking expensive but worth it.
I hung out with Kerry and gay Chris yesterday. Chris made me a black yarn fall for my hair. It looks so cute, and he said he would make me a pair of dreadfalls for only about twenty bucks, so I'm happy.
And fuckin MSI tix went on sale yesterday and Cassy didn't call me up till about 6 to tell me, after my bank closes, and I'm not bumming money from my mom on mother's day so I won't be able to get it until Monday :( Current Mood: dirty
|Thursday, May 11th, 2006|
Oi, the school year is finally coming to a close, and it's about time too, hopefully it will bring my stress level down. Lets see, I have a grand total of four days left of school, and my finals are going to be rough, I have no time to study, literally no time, I only have one day off next week and I am going to have to work about 6 hours a day. Ah well, as long as I pass government then I will graduate.
And I'm so excited, I can't wait to get out of school. ^_^ Current Mood: excited
|Tuesday, May 9th, 2006|
|IM GUNNA FUCKING PISS MYSELF
Mindless Self Indulgence
with Kill Hannah
July 14, 2006
@ the Congress Theatre in Chicago
all ages show
tickets on sale soon
I'm so fucking excited!!!! FUCKING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!
My favorite band is coming back and this WILL be my 4th MSI show, no motherfucking way that I am going to miss it, and knowing Cassy and Liz, we will be waking up at 6 in the morning to go wait outside for 12 hours, just like last time.
Ah memories of the last MSI line....
<3333333333333333333333333333333333 Current Mood: joygasmic
|Monday, May 8th, 2006|
Fuck the internet in general.
Fuck it, wasting away in front of a screen for hours on end every motherfucking day instead of fucking going out and living your fucking life and enjoying youth while you still can.
The past week I've been on myspace a grand total of 3 times, no aim, no nothing, and I couldn't be happier without it. I don't need this fucking computer every day to make my life enjoyable, or to meet new people, the best friends I have are people that I have met in real life.
Fuck meeting new "friends" on myspace.
I'm done with going on myspace every day wasting time that could better be spent with Kerry, or Cassy, or Liz, or Diana, just enjoying life with them.
If my myspace "friends" really wanted to get to know me, then they would make the effort. I'm done.
And I'm happy, I couldn't be more content with my life than I am right now. Current Mood: good
|Sunday, May 7th, 2006|
So I have never ever had a detention my entire life, and with two weeks left of school I manage to get my first and only. I'm so pissed that I couldn't make it that last two weeks. I saved a song clip from the song Pussy All Night by MSI and I saved it on the p drive on accident and my teacher found it and was able to find out that I was the one who saved it. Inappropriate material. Psh. It happened first period and I could barely even register what was going on because I was stoned off my ass, I was just concerned about hiding it from Ms. Morris.
Last night Kerry was waiting for me after work, so I took him home with me and we walked back to his house to meet up with Dave and smoke some more chronic. I haven't been able to drive anywhere but work because the blazer has been acting funny, it was leaking some green stuff, antifreeze I think? but anyways I'm taking it in on Monday to be fixed.
And today Cassy and I went out to Joliet to go see the Beaner. I missed the Beaner. We tried to find Shaun but I guess he was too busy being a fucking pedophile. He's 21 and he told me that I was too young despite the fact that I will be 18 in less than a month then he goes off and starts seeing some fucking 15 year old. It doesn't bother me at all anymore, I have no feelings for him, I just can never forgive someone after I find out that they lied directly to my fucking face. He can go fuck fat bitches and fuck around with little 15 year olds all he wants. I know that I can never trust him again.
I need to find a new job, those fucking stupid ass obese motherfuckers keep getting on my nerves, I think I might just bitch someone out one of these days. Current Mood: annoyed